Click Here, You Idiot
You know you've landed in sales doo-dah when the title is designed to shock / get attention.
If you aren't 100% sure... the page design should give it away. There's no left margin or right column. Stay on track and don't get distracted. There aren't links to take you away or navigation bars to confuse you. The goal is to push you to the bottom of the page where there's a Paypal button. More about that later.
The page is narrow to fit any screen size resolution and if you have to scroll the only direction is... down, down, down. Towards the Paypal button. A fool and his money are soon parted, but you're no fool; so you can't be rushed to the end.
Some visitors, hardened by years of dealing with double glazing salesmen and those door to door Save-Your-Soul merchants, can smell a sales pitch diluted down to one part in sixteen million. These visitors won't waste time so, especially for them, there's a condensed version:
Maybe you clicked the link above, then came back. Thankfully! It means you're a strong prospect. Strong is good. Prospect is good too. Together, they're explosive! And that qualifies you for bullet points.
'OW MUCH IS IT THEN?
Hang on, hang on. Patience is the mother of ...er, someone. Miss Guided? If you're told the price now you may run away. You need to be pre-conditioned. Conditioner protects you from shocks (don't try this at home).
But really, what's the hurry? If it's a FANTASTIC DEAL you'll find the price on the page. If it's FANTASTIC VALUE brace yourself, and you'll find the price when you Add To Shopping Cart... after you've learned that you NEED this product.
Remember: It's a crime to convince others they need something completely useless only if it's something they really, really don't need. It's the Ferengi rule of Long Sales Letters. Comparatively speaking, Ferengi are an honest people though; so let's not drag them into this.
The time's come for you to be Convinced. And for that American is so, so much cooler than English. Partly because it uses centered text. And partly because it isn't embarrassed to add <bold>, <red>, and <large font>.
Take 3 Easy Steps And Own Your Own Awesome Money Machine. It's 100% Able To Give You Massive Residual Income... Read This Letter And I'll Tell You Why I Am Parting With This Money Machine So YOU Can Get Rich Within 24 Hours, Guaranteed!
See, you didn't miss that, did ya?
Key points recap:
- IT'S EASY
- IT'S FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE MONEY
- IT HAS WORDS LIKE "MASSIVE", "AWESOME" and "MIND-BLOWING"
WHAT'S THAT? TALK IN LOWER CASE? WHY?
OK, just don't blame him if you don't get the message. He's only trying to point out that the product has
The only effort required of you is Clicking That Paypal Button. Even an idiot can do that, right?
But you insist you're not convinced?
The amount is specific because specific is believable. Truth is even more believable e.g. the quickest way to get to $9231.46 is to start with $20,000 and lose $10,768.54 in advertising. You KNOW that that's true. On the other hand do you know better than to disclose truth in Sales Letters? Award yourself a star! You're getting smarter already. When you complete the Paypal transaction at the end of the page you'll be a whole 7.3% more intelligent.
The product is INCREDIBLY EASY. If the author, who has all these natural - and feigned - spelling and grammatical mistakes, can make $9231.46, so can YOU. Why settle for other opportunities to make just a little money? It's so easy my grandmother could do it. Even without her internet connection and email password! Because the idea sells itself he's paid a professional Long Sales Letter Copywriter a large sum of money to put together his killer sales pitch for him.
Yes, the more a product sells itself the more you have to spend on marketing it.
Notice how I have no ads on this page? I hate ads. I hate how the contemptuous little b*stards steal space on the page, how they trick you into clicking, how they flash and animate and beg like prostitutes for the slightest attention? Do you like creepy, disease-ridden insects? No, you don't, and that's good, because now I'm empathising with YOU and getting YOU on side ... and the closer YOU get the easier it is to sandbag YOU.
Oops, did I say that aloud? You should be moving towards the closing arguments; put your feet up and stop struggling with paragraphs. Keep moving, keep moving. With your feet up. Keep moving and
In case you missed it, you do need to ACT NOW.
By now, if you aren't convinced there's at least some merit in the product, YOU haven't been listening. Let's go through the numbers again.
If you weren't impressed by $9231.46 per 8 days how about this?
$421,185.36 per year!
Yes, that's how much YOU will make. MASSIVE.
ALMOST HALF A MILLION DOLLARS EVERY SINGLE YEAR
for the rest of your life! It could even be
A MILLION, OR MORE!
Don't believe it? See the cheque below for $1,000,000? It's even got a stamp on it saying "This is a genuine cheque, promise", so you know it's kosher. Now look at the figures again:
A CHECK FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Yes, my friends, that's how much YOU can make.
You've passed the bullet point test - you read them. So you're ready for, ahem...
Each testimonial has to be signed ...because Vincent Van Gogh didn't print his name on his products, did he? No! He took the trouble to sign them. And, if you see a painting signed "Vincent" it would be rude and superfluous to ask for proof of ID. It is similarly reassuring to readers - and an irrefutable proof of legitimacy - to have a signature below each testimonial.
Oh, you recognise that picture? I'll try again.
Notice how everybody who writes a testimonial sends a passport photo for the author's convenience? And at least one testimonial is from an attractive woman? Beautiful women do that a lot - they have a disproportionate tendency to write testimonials for authors of Get Rich Quick books. They also have a strange compulsion to attach their photo to every email. Don't pause to ponder the reasons. Move on, move on, there's a product you have to get to. And a Paypal button.
Note: If you dig into the etymology of Testimonials you'll find that the word is derived from the Latin for testifying, Testis. Because testimonials sounds similar to testicles correct usage needs to be pointed out:
Even the most intractable idiot will have spotted some warning signs along the way. Perhaps the genuine photo of the book's jacket made for some discomfort. Or the references sounded coherent. The reader, quite reasonably, doubts the author's veracity.
And he's right to be sceptical. The author understands. He wants to assure you that your satisfaction is 100% guaranteed. That's why he offers an unconditional money back guarantee.
IF YOU ARE NOT 100% SATISFIED.....
there is NO HURRY. Evaluating a product doesn't happen overnight so you get a whole 90 days to try it out. Take your time. You need to be 100% satisfied. No, make that 110%. You can't possibly ask for more, can you?
Still want a refund? Think about it hard. You can get a refund tomorrow, or the day after/ next week / next month.... why hurry? Just keep prevaricating. Prevaricating is good.
Ah!? you want a refund now? Why do today what you can safely put off for tomorrow? Enjoy some more. Click here to return to enjoying - the book WILL make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. And get you laid. Click here if you really, really want to cancel.
A Long Sales Letter will often have an image of the book being sold (or offered as a bonus). Yes, the author photographed it when it was still hot off the printers. You didn't think it was Photoshopped, did you? Testimonicals to you, mate, if you did.
In this case, you know the above is a real photo because you can see the shadow from my camera flash! That's proof it's genuine.
Still not convinced?
Wow! Is there no limit to how smart you can get?
You spotted the flaw! If I really wanted genuine I'd have photographed my book standing on a glass table and with a bit of a reflection. Yes, the reflection is compulsory because it shows you, the reader, are getting double the value! All good authors follow this photography convention.
In fact, the real secret to getting rich is stealing this glass table. Think about it:
no table => no photos => no promotional Long Sales Letters => no sales => no profits!
It's like you've castrated them all in one fell swoop... and the e-book writers will band together to pay a king's ransom to get the table back. But, I digress....It's time for bonuses.
You thought that your good luck was limited? Well, it's not. If you ACT NOW you'll also get bonuses. The product is so good that you may even get bribed to take it away!
We've run out of bold text, capitals, colours and highlights so apologise that we have to now resort to horizontal lines to emphasise the important bits.
This offer expires at midnight
The urgency above is real. If you don't feel the urgency you won't ACT NOW and may do silly things like reconsidering. However, if you desperately want to reconsider, but don't want to lose this offer, here's a little secret: Simply change the date on your computer clock (Settings>Control>Panel>Date & Time) and reload this page - the date here changes!
He's an honest chap and genuinely means this offer ends at midnight TONIGHT but he's also an understanding chap and will be happy to extend it to any other night you choose. Yes, it ends tonight. Or some other night. Or both. Or a night in-between those two. Or maybe whenever you want. Or all of them. Just whenever you want to pay, really. Just pay the bloody money, OK?!
<<Note to self: If they feel date deceived don't let on that in the US they can complain on 1-877- FTC-HELP and that, in the UK, directory enquiries will provide a local Trading Standards' number.>>
If you suspected I'm trying to sell you something you'll be looking for an order button around now. Ha, ha! I'm NOT trying to sell YOU anything!
Don't pay me $420, don't pay me
$250, don't even pay me $150. For today only -
bear in mind that this offer will be
gone tomorrow - for today only, make a Paypal donation of
Yes, I was going to charge $50, changed my mind and couldn't find the back button to edit the price, so I used a strikethrough instead.
I ordered you to click once before and you landed on this
page. Are you sorry?
PS: The best sounding hyperbole should go here. In the PS. Is it because everybody reads the PS thinking it's the absolutely latest news? Or is it because the author's IQ is less than the temperature on a cold day in Anchorage and he put the best copy in the wrong place? The answer is, yes, it's true. It's been scientifically proven.
PPS: The good news is that a good PS drags the letter out long enough for another Paypal button... without looking tacky. It also rounds off the karma. And that's good for planet Earth. And the author's planet.
PPPS: The last person who read this letter and didn't click the Paypal button accidentally set fire to his house, reversed over the cat on his way to get help, crashed into a police car ... and discovered his ex-wife in it having fun with a copper - she wasn't gay after all. DON'T FALL INTO THE SAME TRAP!
Yes, $5.00, I know you cannot believe your eyes!
For less money than a packet of cigarettes I offer to NOT clutter the internet with my e-book, "Writing good. Long Sales Copy. Explained in 7 Simple Steps".
Click the Paypal link. Act now! It's only $5.00. You deserve it. I deserve it.
This page is free to read, free of affiliate links, free of plugs for e-books, free of "Free" newsletter signups and free to link to. Because I don't trust you to click the Paypal button I've done a little monetising of this page. The #1 goal, though, is for you to
Click the Paypal button, dammit!